Striving to... be.

This isn't going to make best of Craigslist or any other best of list- but this is the best I got for right now.
this is like one of those exercises they teach you in freshman english. just start writing and see where it takes you. so this is that. and this is about money.
I'm striving to save money. Pay off credit cards and save money. There is no dress that I "have to have." NO matter how cute it may be. There is no restaurant that is so delicious that I "have to eat there." The only thing I should spend money on is my health, my car and my education or career. I should spend money on new headshots. I should go to the dentist. I should get my stomach problems checked out. I should send out headshots to agents. I should take a dance class, a cooking class or an acting class. I should travel. Because traveling broadens your mind and makes you understand and accept other cultures, and maybe even adopt some new ideas and ways of thinking. I should save money to one day be able to buy my own house. Or condo, if I still live in L.A. I am really talented. For some reason I am just sitting here wasting away and I don't know why. And I'm pretty cute. and I'm very friendly. which is funny that I just wrote that because I was talking with a friend today and she said "so, she's friendly, and she's cute- but is she special?" And, I don't really know how I feel about that, But I do know that I am special. and not in a corny way or special needs way, but in a I deserve to be here and people should take notice kinda way. I used to wake up and feel motivated to go and conquer the world. or at least conquer the tube to camden town. I mean, I navigated my way through Rome and wasn't the least bit scared or intimidated. Why am I timid when I meet new people? Or scared to stay home alone? (oh, that's because rob did a lapdcrimewatch.org on my neighborhood and let's just say, lapd should probably be watching the crime a little better!) and i'm not perfect, by any means. I'm not the best at anything. But when I really want something, I try really hard. I like being challenged. I find it upsetting when people think I can't do something or even worse, they don't even look at me and see the same things I see. and it's really horrible when those same people are supposed to be your best friends. uh, Friendships are puzzling. They are constantly evolving and changing and developing into something more, something less, a tighter bond or just confusion because you wake up one day and have no idea where the other person is coming from. and we are looking for love. this undeniable sensation, an attraction that only grows stronger. the person we laugh with and tells our fears too. some people i know find love in every person they meet. they are more accepting of it, maybe. they are open to it. we'll call them "openers". then there are others who try over and over, and i think in their quest- they stumble and settle. we'll call those "stumblers". (unfortunately the "stumblers" usually meet, and fall for other "stumblers". ugh.) the solution is the "stumblers" need to find the "openers" and everyone would be a lot happier. And we are all growing up, when is the time when we are grown up? when we definitely know right from wrong? when we know exactly who we are and what we stand for? When does that happen? or does it ever happen?

I have an image in my mind- of the person I am. I hope you can see it too.